If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
I cant do that to my vagina yet. its my prize posession.
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
It was a karaoke bar combined with a liquor store and had a donkey pen in the back.
Keeping it classy as usual I see
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
Heard you were the one that shit off Jamie's balcony. FYI there is a cabbie down here out for blood
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
I came over to get dick...not to watch you vacuum....at 2 AM
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
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