also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
Is there a fine for having sex in the back of a zipcar?
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
currently buying a pregnancy test while braless so happy november to you too
I would go a lot of places to get laid. But I would NOT go to Staten Island.
It was the easiest thing I've ever done. 3am she walked into my room, saw my Buffalo Bills blanket, said go bills and got naked.
I was sending him tit pics while watching how to train your dragon 2. It was everything.
I told him I was studying his body for art, so now I have to actually do a drawing of him to not look like a creep and so we can hook up again.
Randomize
