I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
I'm half bulimic - I binge but forget to purge
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
Also, I am ligit concerned that I might compulsively start collecting vibrators like Pokemon.
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
You. Me. Frosting and a bed. Lets do this.
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
I'm too hungover to Google him and try to save face.
Randomize
