I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
he fell down during beer pong and the chick told him to rub the sand out of his pussy and suck it up. i am in love
She is larger then a hippo. You could cut her open in the middle of a blizzard and crawl in like Luke skywalker. Throw a couch and a tv in there and you're set
Also, if asking a guy to come over and watch curling with you doesn't scream let's fuck then idk what does
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
We are making a pool on how long he stays sober this time you want in?
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
Randomize