yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
I just don't do feelings in the summer months.
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
At 12:16 am. We just got out of the truck and went behind it and fucked. With 3 people in the truck. On the side of the road. As cars drove by.
Is this the guy that did shots off my ass at the beach? Haha
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
It was all fun and games until he noticed the hickey that he hadn't given me...
Its a holy bong. We had to bless the holy bong water.
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
Randomize