It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
hey. so did i get tied up by a jumprope last night?
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
Haha jealous. If I could remember my dreams I'm pretty sure they would constantly be about being drunk in foreign countries
At one point last night I over heard you say " I'm gonna puke in a bag and pour it down your throat" I LOVE YOU.
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
A girl I had a drunken hook up with is on interventon right now
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