there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her.
We watched a biography of Frida Kahlo in class today. It was depressing. A chick with a UNIBROW just put my sex life to shame.
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
I just really hate taking care of things... If I can't fill it with liquor I'm not sure what to do with it.
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
I'm going to pretend you don't watch My Little Pony and focus on your large cock. Kay? Don't bring it up again.
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
You can't go around chasing people and screaming JUST LET ME LOVE YOU. We're in a public place.
There is a dude with blue hair and a samurai sword and another dude dressed as Dead Pool. I daresay standard social conventions are not applicable in this environment.
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
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