literally had 100 drinks last night.
This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
I mean come on, he's the best quarterback in the state and doesn't even know how to put on condom
I wouldn't really call it 'getting lucky' considering I paid her to do it.
Just picture a bunch of Abraham Lincolns having an orgy.
I would have done it. But then again I am a starving student who can manipulate my brain into thinking my decision was somehow morally justifiable.
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
You'll pass into the great gay beyond
Where it rains cosmopolitans and scantily clad gogo dancers of all genders direct traffic
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
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