Blowing lines off from the book where the wild things are... bad babysitter?
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
do you have any idea how expensive it is to have the munchies at Disneyland?
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
i admit it was a weird experience, but why regret what once made you cum
I would have done it. But then again I am a starving student who can manipulate my brain into thinking my decision was somehow morally justifiable.
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
After tacos, we're chasing women.
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
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