I just got wrote up for "repeatedly smelling like alcohol"
That was long passed due.
I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
and yes i will spend 10 dollars on a vibrating toothbrush to masturbate but not a calculator for my test
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
Anyway, it's clearly a shapeshifting vagina/AT-AT, which I never said I was SEXUALLY attracted to. Just that I liked it.
We were fucking in the back of my truck and no joke a skunk came up and sprayed us. How am I supposed to explain this to my parents
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
