no homo or anything but the way you were dancing with that girl gave me a boner
I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
And this is weird.. I feel slightly less depressed after shitting myself.
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
I almost itched my nose with the lit end of a cigarette. Help.
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
ever had the feeling "I've been drunk in this bathroom before?" Like De ja drunk?
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
Randomize
