I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
let me put this in terms we both understand. he was the crunchwrap supreme of men--the perfect combo of all things manly, gooey and delicious. and ready for instant enjoyment.
I found the perfect eye liner, it passed the blow job test, no smudging!!
um so slept at robs. he woke up, looked at me, and said ' oh my psychiatrists are gonna have a field day with this one' I think that's when you know you can't hang out with someone anymore
There's a Russian guy here. In the bar. Drinking vodka. Wearing a trench coat and a hat and a mustache. Idk where the confusion is.
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
I should be done at 8 and I've also done a great Job of convincing my self that I should get really drunk tonight
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
I just made mac at 3:10 am... My life is falling apart...
So you completely disappeared from my memory last night at about my 15th Jager bomb. But only you. No one else.
Randomize
