margarita scented body wash shouldn't be used the morning after cuervo. there should be a warning on the label.
he came so fast he could have be employed at jimmy johns
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
there was this guy running across campus barefoot in the pouring rain stepping in all the puddles. i want his life. and i want to be stripper.
she ate the whole pudding cup using only her tongue. i'm considering going lesbian for her
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
I'll be honest with you, my dick was out at that point in time.
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
You literally spelled every word wrong or with numbers except for "drunk", which you used all caps for.
I felt the need to accentuate it....
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
I want a dick in my left hand and a Crunch Wrap Supreme in my right hand.
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Randomize
