We named our party play list daddy issues
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
He said he wanted to have butt sex with me and curl up with me after and just be near me. Then he passed out.
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
We left the knife in your bed.
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
I need to get off of her emotional roller coaster. I've been on it for a fucking year and I've been throwing up the entire time.
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
Randomize
