The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
It's ok, I like adventure. Just ask my vagina.
Hypothetical question. Say I was bleeding profusely, close to your house, and needed a place to go to clean up and perform minor surgery on myself. Like now.
you strike me as the kind of person who when they spill something on their lap they take off their pants and eat it anyways. right off the crotch seam.
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
He fucking took my shirt off and didn't even touch my boobs. What the actual fuck.
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
i feel like ive seen the light, but not in the nasty christian way. thats gross. say no to jesus, kids
His acid is intense dude. I was just over at his place laughing about the hole in the wall I was convinced was a cat
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
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