I use a guy for sex and get three minutes out of him. go figure
why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
you announced to the whole room that instead of shaving you were planning to start straightening and then braiding your pubes. awkward silence followed by everyone leaving.
I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
i always knew that i'd have sex in your room, i just assumed it would be with you
It was a legit night tell he threw a snowball in the bar, thats when I knew it was time to go to the next bar.
He might not have any marketable talents, but the kid dry humps like no other.
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
This weekend was amazing, 4 confirmed pukings, 2 cops, 3 hookers, one photographed t-bagging of the groom, and a night in an illegal gambling house.
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
Randomize
