i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
ya, but you'll graduate college with a higher education. I'm looking at at least two addictions, an abortion, and a few weeks jail time.
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
Also, I pretty much need an IV of fluids straight to my soul
Sexting across continents is really a perfect example of how far technology has come.
My only regret this past weekend is abusing only 3 substances when I could have done so much more.
I broke my heels and ended up on a random party bus where I passed out after a brief stripper pole incident.
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
Randomize
