The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
high people should be assigned attendants
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
okay just a general question, but if i got arrested, who here would bail me out. this is important.
And on the subject of embracing my inner whore, I had two different dicks in my mouth yesterday. Friend, it's official. I'm completely outta control.
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
Randomize
