I think i sorta joined a cult last night
so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
She put her phone in her underwear and it somehow managed to work it's way into her vagina. she has a BLACKBERRY.
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
I sold weed for gas money to get home. I thought that's what college was for.
Also I fell in love w a girl dressed as a pirate that was great at doing the limbo
We 6 way cheers-ed with French fries last night, hammered, in the booth.
Whatever. That's why I am to be babied like a calf. I regret nothing.
The guy I blew last night was pierced in multiple places. I had to use extra caution to avoid my temporary filling.
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
It's like all the guys I keep around if I wanna have sex with all got mad at the same time. I guess I'll get out my vibrator again.
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
I just don't understand why we can't have sex in the house. I'll come see you but I'll have to think about the barn thing.
Randomize
