Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
is anything happening tonight?? I'm soooo in need of a tasteful and healthy bender.
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
All I see when I think of you are dancing penis angels around your head.
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
It's astonishing how many Ludacris lyrics you know
I'm actually really happy I can say that my first body shot was out of a gay strippers massively ripped chest
Great, now even dream!me is a drunken borderline mess.
I was fingering her and they busted into my room demanding to know who the best running back was, before I could say anything she moaned and said "Barry Sanders"
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
All I want is to get shitfaced and fuck random strangers is that really to much to ask?
Randomize
