i just walked by a road side game of beer pong? it's gonna be a long day
I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
Just painted my nails at the bar... I may be getting too comfortable here.
I don't know ur idea of a good first date but I'm pretty sure it shouldn't include him holding my hair while I puke in the street
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
Basically taped my dick down because it's too obvious in this costume...
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
Goddamn it. Hes got me addicted to his penis
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
Randomize
