He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
dude so we were eating nacho cheese popcorn and chasing it with cole slaw
by the way nacho cheese popcorn is me making popcorn and then adding milk butter and mac n cheese mix
Walked into a bathroom stall to pop an addy for my three back-to-back finals today. Felt like Clark Kent walking into a phonebooth.
Then he kissed my hand sensually and said "you're a Black Queen. Don't let anyone tell you different."
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
What drinking game we play yesterday? Fight club or something?
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
Randomize
