At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
Just threw up at the bar from the heat. Fun change of pace.
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
im dying and naked and this is what youre living with next year.
I still have a little drunk in my system
It's like the cookie assaulted me with being high.
She's not answering my calls
Well it sounds like you really fucked up
WHO HOLDS A GRUDGE OVER MEMES
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
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