this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
I can't imagine anything that has a removal ass flap as being sexy
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
So somehow today's lecture on the immune system turned into me having to stand up and explain female ejaculation to the class.
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
Just witnessed a man yell "gonna catch a slut!" at himself in the mirror while doing bicep curls at the gym.
I was...perplexed.
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
Bro I just got a hand job playing tiny wings.. Hell yea
I wear drunk well.
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
Randomize
