i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
considering i was high when my dad made me pee in the cup i might fail this one
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
I've been crying in my room listening to Billy Joel for 2 hours. Thank God Four Loko was banned.
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
I mean he did ask and he said it's cold out but i didn't realize we were that comfortable hahaha sex is one thing but borrowing a sweatshirt?
Locking that text forever.
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
I'm just saying; the box truck will cost less then dorms or rent, and we can always crash where the party is.
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
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