Let's bang like we're on a Lifetime Channel movie.
He said he used to draw on the walls with poop when he was a kid.
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
so she sprained her ankle somehow and her friend had to carry her out while all 7 of us watched. do we even need to vote on that or is that automatic induction into the hall of shame?
Worst PDA I've ever seen. She even licked the mustard off his mustach
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Randomize
