So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
Dude, had to, it's Canada Day, I fucked her for Canada. Seriously, I put my Canadian flag on my bed and fucked her on it.
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
do you think its obvious that we spent all afternoon playing naked body oil twister?
omg. i wish i could describe to you the number of things that were just in my vagina. i feel like i got gangbanged by construction workers.
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
he was the first penis i touched… i have to go to his shitty bands first gig, i mean come on now
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