my soul wont recognize me after tonight
he started yelling "this is my pussy" mid thrust
shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
he had his head down and said he was listening for the buffalo, he had to still be drunk.
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
BTW waking up to a picture of you taking a shot of what I can only assume was shitty lukewarm liquor out of a blow up dolls butt made my day
The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
I'm sure if Robin Williams was still with us he would want you to see boobs.
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
Don't EVER mix a flaming shot, with a Jello shot.. As good as it sounds flaming Jello is not a good idea
Randomize
