If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
Im drinking a beer thats called vuuve which is boobs in begian. I think my life is complete.
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
now I know why they wanted me to come. apparently gay guys are stripper magnets
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
Trying to figure out when's a good time to take acid and not tell anyone and see how long it takes people to notice
I was so intoxicated last night I was giving out my real name and number ugh.
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
You need to stop thinking about the needs of your vagina and concentrate on the greater good
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
Definitely thought about throwing up in the cat box since it's not as far to the bathroom..
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
you can see where the duct tape was on my nipple
Randomize
