She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
We hooked up in his car and afterwards he cried. I think I need to find a new hookup...
I was fed cake in bed and then was pinned down and ridden till I came. And then fed more cake. I'm going to marry Brad. I'll put money on it.
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
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