I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
I need a Jamo leash. Just tie it to my wrist and every time you see me reaching for a shot of it, just yank my hand away
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
I just want to fall into a pit of xannies and eat my way out.
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
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