Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
well i just set every background of each phone in the verizon store to my face
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
I mean I'm into guys with money but more into guys I'm actually attracted to
yeah i guess i'd rather he was hot than rich
wow i don't know if that qualifies as growing up but if it does i'm all in
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
Is this like a preordered booty call?
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
Lol for real, I'm Kylie Jenner "this is my year of realizing things" right now
I think its a little fucked up she invited you to her wedding, are you going?
There is a lot of acid in my drugs right now
....ill put you down as a no then
Randomize
