after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.
MTV Made just made me cry. Where have all of my life goals gone?
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Midwestern nice.
So I thought the party was crazy before his pinky came off...
I find it fascinating that she'd be more comfortable with her mom finding out she submits dirty disney confessions on tumblr than about her secret email account she uses to chat with dutch and brazilian strangers.
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
Justin just used the term "industrial strength colon blow".
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
Randomize
