anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
We can get Dustin to help us. I think he'd be good at luring girls into a dark alley.
i just rolled a joint on the giving tree. that book has given me so much.
Who would we be if we didn't go out to drink during finals week? NOBODY
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
and PS, please don't fuck in the corn maze, k?
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
the day has come. I have finally reached the point in my life where I just don't give a fuck about anything anymore. it's beautiful!
Two things. 1) party at my house this Friday 2) what was the name of the Australian you fucked on the cruise ship?
WHAT KIND OF DEALER ONLY WORKS FRI-SUN???
Ours, apparently.
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
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