You were asking people if they could pee on you while you shotgunned beers
Hurricane Earl: Get Blown party at my house friday! Byob: bring your own bitch/booze. Must have 80s blown hair style, kazoo/noise maker (vuvuzelas/airhorns are allowed), and/or bubble wands. \n
Why am I even shocked you're doing this....
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
you can think of my virginity as your little souveneir from our relationship.
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
ok first of all what the fuck
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
Randomize
