Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
Yea there's blood all over the porch but we wont have to buy alcohol for the rest of the week
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
I'm curious as to what my outfit choices drunk me made for this weekend.
Apparently he walked into the room and started yelling at some huge hairy dude to get out of my room. Except it wasn't my room... Because he was on the fourth floor.
I'm setting goals and achieving them. I'd say I'm quite mature for my age.
You're goal was to fuck him and you don't even remember it.
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
God, I missed his penis.
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
Randomize
