In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
So when does "going out for one drink" = giving some guy an HJ on the sidewalk?!?
Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
It was a group decision to take your pants off. Took a solid 10 minutes. No more skinny jeans while drinking.
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
he told me it was nice to see me not blacked out mumbling to myself in the front seat, I told him it was nice to see him not in handcuffs.
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
he came over last night and we fucked with the great british baking show on in the background. it was beautiful
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