I can already tell this is gonna be one of those parties where we sit across the room and text about people.
hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
just convinced brandon semen are bugs that crawl in your pants and make gooey juice. now hes convinced he has them lmao
tonight i'm going for the "i fuck with the lights on" look
I think I actually have rug burn on my eye.
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
The number of people who end up getting laid as a result of the cha cha slide....is terrible.
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
Randomize