It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
This is a whole other level of drinking. Like the I used to eat paste with these people kinda drinking.
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
i think we should start 2012 by becoming clean and sober for awhile and buckle down
ppsyche im wasted where are you
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
Dude best one night stand i woke she was cleaning our fridge while waiting for the cab to show
Who says there aren't gentlemen anymore? My one night stand warmed up my car for me
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
I shouldn't be allowed to be in america for NYE... or any major holiday for that matter
I have to start drinking water I have a drug test to fail at 1:40
Randomize
