If I see one more duchette wearing Ed Hardy, but not actually having a real tattoo. I swear Im gonna shank a bitch.
Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
You guys seriously fuck to bieber? That's embarrassing...
I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
Hm, finding a time when my drinking and your real life don't conflict could be difficult
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
He says it takes a lot to subdue the urge to just bury his face in my vagina. Of course, I have absolutely no problem with this.
Fuck me I smell like cheese
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
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