I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
I don't understand why we need a holiday to become more aware of boobs...
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
I just want to make mistakes. Like stds that go away with antibiotics mistakes.
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
The fact that I'm going to be living with you is starting to make me worry about my heatlh.
Ya that ship has sailed dude
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
That's the last time I get in a car with six rappers headed to god knows where.
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
Randomize
