did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
This random guy asked me if I had downs. I was like up yours! And I got out of his car.
I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
he just chased his shot of tequila with a chicken nugget.. either its a canadian thing or hes wasted
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
So, settle a debate for my housemates. Have you measured your dick. And how long. Results Will not be disclosed
DC is easy, you will figure it out.
I'm drunk and blonde. You are wayyyy underestimating this.
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
I came so hard I went blind for a few seconds.
Randomize
