We fucked twice, I went to the bathroom to freshen up, and came back to him playing "Your Body is A Wonderland" on his guitar naked in my bed.
can u get pink eye on your cock?
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
You actually went to class. Im eating dry cereal naked and watching bring it on.
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
I think I should start a match.com profile and put "robe lounging" as my only hobby
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
She showed up after 3 hours and proceded to make us all feel like resonable human beings. I dont know how she did it but she did it.
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
Its not something you can force it it just has to happen like a rainbow or pooping
While the cops were busting my party one of them said. O you have an Xbox? Do you play online? Whats your gamertag?....
Randomize
