he asked me to have sex with him by saying 'take one for the team'. so no we didn't do it.
I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.
I may be the first guy in history to get dome while watching An Extremely Goofy Movie.
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
You know summer is almost over when ur school booty calls start hitting u up as if solidifying their spot in drunken mistakes for next semester
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
Dude, Donte totally wants it. I don't have any idea how I do it. I'm not even cool. I'm not even the hero Gotham deserves. I'm barely high. My hands are swelling. Want me to pick you up anything from five guys?
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
My nose was gushing blood and he just kept screaming "she took it like a champ" to everyone there. Plus side though, bartender felt bad for me and gave me a free drink.
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
Sorry I've been a slutty nightmare this week
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
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