marko just referred to some fat asian and a portly friend as Jupiter and one of its moons. unreal. hyte!
Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
You went in the back with her.. And honestly I couldn't tell her neck from her tits man..
Did I really just send a work email with cum instead of come? feck me
So i came so hard i almost passed out, where has this vibrator been all my life?
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
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