my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
just thinking about him makes my vagina shudder.
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
I gave him head in my cape. On the kitchen floor. Watching a show about bacon.
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
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