dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
That glade motion activator thing keeps going off every time we pass the bong. I don't know what I'm getting high off right now.
and then he put stevie wonder on to fuck to...and hummed along as I blew him
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
no dude free pina colada`s taste like what I would expect my penis to taste like except gay-er.
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
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