Haha no. But I cannot hook up with you anymore. Especially when you group text people.
Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
his Mom's staying with him so he asked if I'd go over and fuck in his shed. he said "it's a really nice shed"
Heard in class today that they replaced our carpet in last years apartment because they couldn't get the smell out, dude we smoked way to much pot last year.
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
I think we need a list of things that are automatic NO's for dating a guy. Married, definitely a no now
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
Yess he was literally so drunk that like at one point I'm pretty sure he thought it was hard and in when neither were true :/ haha
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
I think my time would be better spent seducing the TA then trying to save this paper.
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Randomize
