My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
It didn't go so well. He got drunk and asked my dad if 'front or back' virginity mattered more.
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
I feel more comfortable going down on her then actually kissing her.
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
I don't remember much and some girl almost convinced me to jump off the bridge while she held my stuff...
Wikipedia just saved you three hours and $30 on a bar tab. You should donate.
$5. Donated.
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
It was like the icing on a beautiful fuck boy cake.
just call my name and ill be there, if we are puking, beating up bitches, or pickin up men, OR avoiding wierd men, so many situations require a wingman
Randomize
