She'll never know what hit her
I dunno. Girls tend to recognize ball-to-chin contact.
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
I'm so confused. I feel like I just intentionally took roofies to see where I'd end up.
I feel like all of the victims from Seven. Best birthday weekend ever.
max decided it would be a good idea to run down the hall and smack down the exit sign. now we are sitting in the emergency room, and he is wearing the sign as a bracelet
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
Goat in kitchen.....explanation?....
Randomize
