ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
I've already reverted to sweat pants. And lonely drinking.
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
Breaking a step ladder over someone's back turned into a really fun game, way too quickly.
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
Remember how slutty I thought she was when we were freshmen?
Yeah! But that was a long time ago. Plus, you use your sluttiness for good!
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