masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
In the middle of switching positions, we shared a line of coke. It's was like a modern-day 'Lady and the Tramp.'
Its funny how you denied every part of the text except " you hate fat ppl"
Is asking my 8-year-old brother if he will make us shot glasses in his ceramics class too far?
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
my roommates tied me up with rope and duct tape then left me outside the door to the hot girls' suite on my floor, knocked on the door and ran away leaving me there with a sign that says free
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
Now everytime I sit on a toilet I think about having sex with him. Great.
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
Randomize
