Small dicks are the new regular sized dicks.
Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
dude, i turned on the light and asked if they were ok and they STILL didn't stop. Most determined sex EVER.
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
Randomize
