hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
i called her out for picking her nose in public and he still wonders why i don't like her!
he literally had a slideshow of all the girls hes had sex with pictures set to american woman
Never again will we have slut saturday. Never.
his blanket is still in the back seat of my car, its like a constant reminder of his small penis
I think I'm getting too used to throwing up in the reception trash can. It doesn't even phase me anymore
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
Saturday evening, however, will be my vodka and bubble wrap extravaganza.
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
idk but i can hear her singing "Call Me Maybe" really slowly and emotionally in the shower right now
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
Randomize
