Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
How was the rest of your night?
A little fuzzy and a lot naked.
Thats gotta be it. Also just found out that the fireworks will fit in the airsoft pistols...we are all gonna die
Okay. This morning the comforter was wet, you were underwearless and using a tiny blanket. What'd you do??
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
Steve, that episode of cops where your dealer rear-ended that family is on again.
I'm really ok with inappropriate relationships. They are my favorite of all the relationships. No need to be timid. For crying out loud.
My next goal in this relationship is to teach my boyfriend that there are valid reasons to be fear of dolphins completely.
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
Randomize
