GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
she would be the type to have more hair on her twat than on her head
she has to be all "alternative"
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
Right, because I totally see myself driving all the way down there to fuck his world famous penis.
There's somethin not right about having to take the batteries out of your 27 year old boyfriends gameboy to use in your vibrator
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
Everyone is now just referring to it as "the night Hannah couldn't get laid" so needless to say you didn't miss much
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
I mean there are real risks associated with having unprotected sex, but I don’t think I need to worry about a ghost possessing me and having unprotected sex while using my body
Yeah come over whenever. Weed gets here at 8.
I'll be there at 7:59.
Randomize
