i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
Is it possible to jerk off a nipple?
let's get a trip to cabo together for next spring... they have to have forgotten about me by now
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
I want to hump her dimples until her face caves in.
So many issues. You honestly need help.
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
Can we play rock paper scissor shot again? I want to black out in 15 minutes or less...
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
A beer is a heart your wish makes!!!
I asked if anyone's pants felt wet on the bottom, like a half hour after mine did. I had just peed my pants i had gotten so high no biggie
Let's go dancing. I wanna sprain an ankle. And a labia. My labia or yours. I'm not picky.
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
FUUUCK. sunburned vagina. this is the worst day ever. i'm not leaving my room until it peels.
Randomize
