please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
His threats seemed pretty legit for a 6 year old
They asked if I wanted to shotgun a beer and before i could ask who had a knife they all had bit holes into the cans. Im never leaving Germany!
Drinking, I should not. Got here I don't know. Still drunk, I am. At courtneys.
High gym went like this: I went to Dairy Queen instead.
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
I feel as if some line has been crossed, but only in this vague, WTF sort of way.
Is it illegal to hookup with your fathers god child?
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
Just in case you blacked out, we had sex, you came in me, we need plan B, we fell off your top bunk, broke your roommates chair, i still like you, but i'm in pain and am going to bed
Randomize
