textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
He stole her cigarettes and walked 15 miles just so he wouldn't have to wake up next to her. God I love being a lesbian.
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
The countdown is at hand. We are 15 days from so much Jameson that names will be forgotten. Prepare your liver now or severe projectile vomiting will be the theme of the night.
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
Today has been like a snow day for your boobs. No rules, just doing whatever they want.
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
Your final is gonna be as easy for you as getting into straight girls' pants is for me.
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
She said if you lived here it would be like the x rated version of 3's company
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
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