Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
I woke up knowing I have nowhere to be today except parties and it was glorious and I am so happy
What doesn't this kid understand that our relationship is not going past the blacked out blowjob I gave him on his birthday?
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Randomize