K, im just throwing this out there, i am not making out with any of his friends... Especially the cross eyed one.
Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
i have no idea who im with but someones making meatballs. im going to stay.
after taking her first shot and having her first random hook up she finally feels like she is ready for college
she has no idea
Doing blow at 6am to "wake myself up for clinicals" was a baaaaad idea
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
Sex aside I am really scared about Syria...
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
My mom just used the chap stick I used right after giving him a blow job. I am a horrible daughter :(
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