So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
Dude I still wanna know who I had sex with on new years eve
i dont understand blimps. what would happen if they collided would they just bounce off or fall to the ground.
dude how high are you right now?
do you think jeeves would know? you do it. ask jeeves.
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
i had to take off my light up shamrock necklaces, my professor was getting suspicious.
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
Hey, this is Travis. I just so intelligently deduced that I am in a college dorm somewhere in western oregon. Probably WOU, based on the process of elimination.
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
this celing is unfamiliar to me... im just vaguely wondering where i am. but not quite concerned enough to do anything about it.
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
Randomize
