god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.
Honestly, I don't care whether it was a guy or a girl. Best blowjob ever.
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
once he tried to wake me up from my hangover nap to have sex, that's when things went downhill. he had to go.
after what u told me last night I think we're past the wtf zone and at this point u should just join me in wondering if my barista lover is a gay porn star
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Randomize
