entire chemistry final was about beer... i actually might miss this place
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
I FOUND AN AUSTRALIAN THEY CALL VOMMING 'RAINBOW SNEEZING' I'M NEVER LETTING HIM LEAVE EVER
Rainbow fish was a wild success, got wasted at 6 gave away most my scales and made out with max from where the wild things are.You'd be so proud
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
If I could drink as much and have the amount of sex he has at his age, well I'd probably be dead
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
i thought the time we went to a party with no shoes on was bad, how about the time you left with no pants on?
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
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