I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
We are keeping it ultra classy drinking 40s and playing croquet with 90s rap blasting in the back ground
Wearing the 'Let's Party' thong feels weird without you...
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
We were apparently using marine hand signals to communicate to one another where to meet up in the house to hook up.
Didn't even know I knew marine hand signals.
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
walk of shame. I'm wearing my rain jacket over my dragon costume. My tail keeps dragging in the rain.
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
FINE I guess I'll just drink regular coke like a PLEBIAN.
Randomize
