I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
who loves string cheese????? I LOVE STRING CHEESE!!!
you know...if you didn't give such great head little things like this would ruin our friends with benefits relationship.
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
the story is to long to tell you via txt so when you notice the tattoo on your ass call me.
I cant believe you went home with her.. Your poor immune system and the shit you put it through.
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
I'm not gonna lie. I'm a little scared.
Good. The Jell-O shots look great.
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
He spilled some of his beer on your shoulder then proceeded to lick it off. By the face you made, I don't know if you were completely horrified or really turned on.
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
Just boned her on my desk. on top of my term paper. take that professor dipshit
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